


H is for Hilarity

by DownOnThePharm



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-02
Updated: 2018-11-02
Packaged: 2019-08-16 18:53:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16500860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DownOnThePharm/pseuds/DownOnThePharm
Summary: Lister’s robotics course gives him the perfect idea for winding up Rimmer.





	H is for Hilarity

“There. Let’s see how this goes over.” Lister grinned impishly at Cat and Kryten as he completed the final few keystrokes needed to execute his scheme, and gleefully hit ENTER. “I haven’t pranked him in ages, and he deserves it after all that stupid Officer Rimmer smeg.”

“So, Bud, what are we doing to Goalpost Head, anyway?”, asked Cat from his perch at the sleeping quarters table. “Is it going to drive him crazy? That’s a pretty short trip.”

Lister snickered. “I was reading through the hologram operating system manuals for me robotics course, and found the section on how to change the appearance of a projection. Now, Rimmer has everyone except Hol locked out of all those options - he thinks. Turns out that the smegger missed one.”

Looking up from the dishes he was washing, Kryten asked, “Are you certain of that, Sir? He’s quite protective of his program. I can’t see him being careless enough to leave any aspect of his appearance open to outside exploitation.” 

“C’mere and look, Krytes,” Lister replied. As the mech peered over his shoulder, he pulled up the relevant screen. “See? We can change his font. I’m thinkin’ he could use a makeover, so I’m changing it for him.”

Kryten chuckled in admiration. “Oh, excellent. Dare I ask what font you chose, Sir?”

“Comic Sans.”

“You, Mr. Lister, are an absolute bastard, and I’m proud to call you my friend.” The mech gently clapped Lister on the back with a rubbery hand as the two of them guffawed.

Feeling left out, Cat demanded, “What? What am I missing?” 

Kryten smiled at him. “Patience, Mr. Cat, Sir. Trust me, it’ll be worth it.”

—————————

Rimmer wandered in a bit later, as Kryten was preparing to serve dinner. “I see you’ve all been productive as usual while I’ve been in the drive room working,” he sniped. “Listy, if you were any more inactive, we’d have to scrape moss off your hide.”

“I have been working, man,” Lister chirped in the chipper tone of voice he knew annoyed his partner no end. “I’ve been revising for me robotics course.” He looked up at his hologram’s face, and turned away immediately. Bustling over to the kitchenette, he added, “I was just about to help set the table, right, Krytes?” 

“Oh, yes, Mr. Lister,” the mech replied cheerily. “Here, let me hand you these plates. Now, be careful, Sir - you wouldn’t want to drop them.” As he spoke, Kryten stole a glance past Lister’s head at Rimmer, then met the Scouser’s eyes with a barely concealed smirk. 

Rimmer eyed them both suspiciously. “What the smeg are you lot up to? You never help him, Lister.”

“I’m trying to turn over a new leaf,” Lister shot back over his shoulder, not quite turning his head enough to face his partner. “Y’know, help Kryten instead of being a lump. Is that so wrong?” 

The hologram rolled his eyes. “I’ll believe it when I see it. Where’s Cat hiding? It’s not like him to be late for dinner.”

“You talking about me?” Cat slinked elegantly through the sleeping quarters door, and stopped dead in his tracks when he spotted Rimmer. “Non-Bud, what’s up with your goalposts?”

Irritated, Rimmer grumbled, “What are you on about, you idiotic moggy? Why are you staring at my H like that? Never seen a hologram before?”

“I’m checking out your new look. It doesn’t really suit you. I recommend changing it back. You’re enough of a fashion disaster without that.”

Rimmer stared at him, thoroughly bewildered. “What’s wrong with my look?”

“Dude, your H. It’s all wrong for you.”

Rimmer spun on his heel and stomped towards the shower room, as Lister and Kryten rushed to Cat’s side. The three of them waited with bated breath for the inevitable explosion, barely able to suppress their laughter.

“BLOODY BUGGERING SMEGGING HELLFIRE!”

Rimmer came storming out, nostrils in full, outraged flare, and face as red as his old soft-light uniforms. He loomed over Lister, who had dropped to his knees, chortling. “FIX IT. NOW.”

“What, you don’t like it? You’re the one who said you were thinking about a makeover a few weeks ago!” Lister looked up at the infuriated hologram’s forehead with a smarmy, coy expression, while Cat and Kryten leaned on the table, snorting with laughter.

“Yes, of my UNIFORM! My H was fine, you git! Comic smegging Sans? Are you smegging mad? You’ll fix this immediately, squire, or I’ll have you scrubbing the diesel decks with your own toothbrush!”

Lister raised his hands placatingly. “All right, man. Fun’s over. Let me fix it, yeah?” Rimmer in tow, he went to the computer terminal and pulled up the hologram’s font options. He typed in a few lines of code, then turned to his partner with a winsome smile. “There. No more Comic Sans.”

“Good,” Rimmer harrumphed. “I’ll be locking that down right after dinner, miladdo. I hope you enjoyed your silly little prank while it lasted.”

“Very much so. Let’s eat.”

Dinner was a somewhat strained affair. Rimmer couldn’t quite figure out why the others kept staring at his forehead and smirking, but attributed it to their puerile senses of humor. Finally, the tense meal over, he excused himself and went back into the shower room to verify that his H was in order.

“BLOODY SMEGGING BLEEDING COWBOYS? LISTER!”


End file.
